Beer drinking and the "art of stopping"

I once read about an eastern philosophical concept that involves, quite simply, stopping when it time to stop. In order to achieve a feeling of comfort and peacefulness, it is important for most people to stop working for a while and do something relaxing.  I say "most people" but in reality, I can't imagine it being healthy for any human being to devote every waking moment to work and productivity.  My wife mentioned this concept once years ago as she reflected on the fact that she has trouble stopping, especially when there are household chores to be done.  But household chores are never truly finished; as soon as one thing is repaired, cleaned, or completed, something else inevitably breaks or we notice something else that is dirty or has a coating of dust on it.

Even if a person is good at stopping his or her chores in order to relax or able to limit his or her time that is devoted to job duties, other imbalances may exist.  For example, if I leave work in time to get home for dinner with my family but then polish off six beers when I get there, I'm not really applying the art of stopping to my drinking.  In all honesty, I've always struggled with stopping when engaged in leisure activities.  Sure, I'll stop cleaning the house.  No problem!  Leave those dirty dishes until tomorrow!  When I leave my office, I rarely let my unfinished tasks bother me much after I no longer have to look at them on my desk.  My problem (and I know I'm not alone) is that when it comes to things like turning off the television and going to bed at a reasonable hour, I tend to make the wrong choice.

I've gotten better at limiting my television time and at drinking in moderation, but there are always more challenges for me when it comes to stopping when I should.  I avoided getting a smart phone for a couple of years because I appreciated the simplicity of the older devices that were basically just phones.  But then, when I got a smart phone, Pandora's Box hit me right in face.  All of a sudden there were all these apps! There are some useful applications but many of them are meant for fun.  They're games, and they are very distracting to me.  Playing them for a few minutes can quickly turn into an hour or more, and then, before I know it, I don't have the time to do something I need to do.  I'm getting better at managing these, but just as with drinking, I don't feel that total abstinence is a sensible option for me.

Lately, I've been thinking that whenever I have a beer or two, part of the moderation I now practice is based on the same principle.  Just as there can be too much work in our lives, there can also be too much of certain things we enjoy.  We then cross the line from what is considered moderate consumption or "treating" ourselves into gluttony and extravagance.  This is why I consider this concept of stopping when it's necessary to do so truly is an art.  Few people possess even near-perfect balance in this respect as there is usually some aspect of our lives in which we struggle when we just need to "stop it."

Adventures in Moderation Management

Since we don't have a physical meeting in Baltimore for Moderation Management (at least not yet), I thought I should share some of my own experiences.  I'll also try to keep some of these posts short so that readers don't have to spend too much time here.  Help through anecdotal recollection is great, but I realize most people would just like me to get to the point.

The story I'll be sharing today deals with making decisions when it comes to drinking, and this was one of the times that I was proud of my decision.  This past Saturday, I attended a family dinner at my parents' house.  My wife and I arrived with our kids at about 5:30pm, and we both had a beer.  In the "old days," I would have been finished that beer in about 10 minutes and headed to the fridge for another.  Now I make a habit of sipping rather than gulping as I consume a beverage, so it took me closer to a half an hour to finish that one on Saturday evening.

Here's the good part: I finished my beer around the same time that my wife finished hers.  Then, she asked me if I could go and get her another one, and I did.  Instead of getting another one for myself, however, I grabbed a can of diet ginger ale instead.  I'm at the point where I can actually feel one drink on an empty stomach, and I was more interested in just having something to drink with dinner.  I also wanted to see how I would feel if I stopped after one beer.  I usually stop after two these days and my wife was having another one, so I wondered if it would it feel weird to stop.  Well, it didn't end up feeling weird, but I did surprise myself.  The surprise came from the feeling that after I chose ginger ale instead of a beer, I didn't think of having another beer.  It feels great to make that decision and feel comfortable with it.  A year ago, I would have had at least two more without even thinking about it.

Later on, at home, I opened the refrigerator and saw one of those tasty craft beers that I love sitting on the shelf.  I was a little thirsty and wanted to relax, but I didn't take the beer.  The old disease model of drinking states that eventually, I'll just give in and start pounding beers again.  But the old disease model didn't count on me actually learning new habits and having faith in myself.  

This would be a good time to insert a disclaimer; if anyone out there reading this has given up drinking, I'm not trying to convert you to an MM person.  The statements I'm making could really churn up some strong feelings for some people, so please keep in mind that my intended audience is drinkers who are wondering if moderation is the right choice.  I've said it before and I'll keep saying that moderation management is not for everyone and it does take work.  That's why MM stresses the importance of commitment and peer support.  Just as members of AA look to their past mistakes so that they don't repeat them, members of MM need to remember theirs as well.  I consider good habits to be just like a fit body.  If one takes the time to learn good, healthy habits, those habits should become a part one's life permanently.  It's just like the dieter who loses weight by exercising and eating less.  Results are wonderful, but seeing those results fade as a person regresses into bad habits is sad or potentially tragic.  

I'm rattling on here just like I promised I would not, but I want to add one more little accomplishment that has helped me find success in my moderation of alcohol.  I've ramped up my exercise regimen during the past few months, and I've been satisfied with the results.  I'd go so far as to say that I'm even impressed with my results.  

I've always enjoyed physical activity because of the obvious benefits.  Over the years, I've been into swimming, hiking, biking, running, and lifting weights.  I didn't do them all at the same time, but in different amounts at various points.  I just feel good, in general, when I stay active and keep myself in decent shape.  But lately, things have been different.  And by different, I mean better!  I'm looking and feeling better at 40 than I did at 30.  My waist is smaller, I have more energy, and I look more defined.  I wondered how this could even be possible, but then I remembered some of the effects alcohol has on the body.  For one thing, excess calories from beer and other assorted drinks made me put on excess fat that obscured my lean tissue.  Too much alcohol also affects a man's hormone levels, so testosterone was not being produced at optimal levels in order to support lean body mass and energy levels when I was pounding beers all the time.  You know those people with really healthy-looking bodies who get up early to work out?  Yeah, they probably don't drink a lot.  Whether you enjoy fitness and working out or not, it feels better to look and feel healthy.  If you are examining your life as you read this, I guarantee that you will feel better if you find a way to live without drinking excessively.  Just do whatever it takes - exercise, get involved in your community, start taking classes - in order to truly realize that life is worth living and you don't need a buzz to enjoy it.

If you feel good, you may not want to drink too much!

After living through a few decades, I've concluded that the human mind is a very complicated machine.  That's obvious, I guess, but I mean it's more complex than most people realize.  We underestimate the capabilities of the human brain without even attempting certain things, and that's tragic.  The same may be said of the manner in which many people neglect themselves physically; we live in our bodies, so it makes sense to maintain them.

Youth is both an advantage and a disadvantage to our overall health. When we are younger, we are naturally more energetic and less likely to get injured, so it is easier to take good health for granted.  Many of us engage in recreational binge drinking but reason that we have plenty of time to get our acts together.  We can be more responsible when we're older, so why not have some fun when we're in our twenties?  

While there's something to be said for blowing off steam and testing our limits, those good times and coming-of-age experiences sometimes lead to bad habits.  It's hard to change habits that involve doing things we enjoy such as smoking and consuming alcohol.  They are pleasurable on different levels as they include the oral sensation of taste and consumption followed by the familiar response we have when the chemicals kick in.  

The normally-accepted way to deal with problem drinking is to have the drinker abstain completely.  If the subject is physically dependent on alcohol and wants to survive, withdrawal may include hospitalization in order to deal with potentially fatal effects.  Understandably, such an individual should probably avoid alcohol permanently after detoxifying from it.  

But let us consider the problem drinker who is not alcohol-dependent.  He or she may find life difficult without the relief of those evening cocktails, so there needs to be another way to deal with stress and nervous energy.  I'm going to go out on a limb here and state that anyone who has formed the habit of relieving stress with alcohol would need the willpower of Superman in order to either quit drinking or learn to drink in moderation without replacing it with something.  And by "something" I don't just mean meetings.  

For me, exercise has been a key ingredient when it comes to changing drinking habits and healthy living, overall.  But this exercise regimen must be performed on a regular basis without excuses.  Sickness or injury are reasonable excuses, but television and "just don't feel like it" are not.  New hobbies or interests are great ways to refocus one's energy too, but if we don't feel good physically, we are more likely to get careless and do self-destructive things.  Some people don't exercise and manage to maintain great balance in their lives, but I'm convinced that we are at our best when we move our bodies rigorously on a regular basis.  This may involve aerobic activity such as walking or running, resistance training, or a combination of the two.  Some people enjoy martial arts and boxing as well.

While regular exercise is undoubtedly beneficial, some people do end up going to extremes.  Think of the guy you see out running in 100 degree weather at noon in July.  He is so concerned with his exercise regimen that he risks dehydration and other detrimental effects which may occur when exerting oneself in extreme temperatures.  He'll probably just get sweaty and tired, but you get the idea.  Any goal or activity can become an obsession, which is why many of us, myself included, must continually strive for balance in our lives.  Even if overall balance is put on the back-burner during busy times, we can still be aware of interests that have the potential of becoming obsessions or even addictions.  

I'm not a personal trainer, so I don't have the experience necessary to recommend an exercise program.  But there are plenty of fitness professionals out there, and some of them even post free information online.  Just look around.  But be careful; a lot of workout programs posted online or published in magazines may not be a good fit for someone who is just getting started or trying to get back into shape following a lengthy period of sedentary living!  It's easy to get injured, so get checked out by a doctor to make sure everything is running smoothly and start slow.  "Boot camps" and "hard-core" training gyms involve strenuous activity, so be wary of over-zealous instructors.  The guy or gal with the chiseled physique may not remember what it's like to be getting started.  Don't be afraid to tell Mr. or Ms. Workout Machine that you need to take it down a notch.  After all, you are the customer and you're there for well... you!  If you don't like gyms or health clubs, try walking.  It's free and you can listen to music while you do it or just zone out while you "get in your zone."  

As I continue find balance in my life, I can't imagine maintaining it without some form of regular exercise.  I attend a YMCA with a wide array of activities available.  I also get a nice reality check when I see handicapped people there who rely on wheelchairs or walkers for mobility.  If a guy in a wheelchair can make it to the gym in order to use the pool, an able-bodied person can find the time to exercise as well.  Lack of time simply is not a good excuse in most cases.  If I can get up at 5:30am to exercise three days per week, almost anyone can do it.  I've long considered myself to be a night owl rather than a morning person, but I stepped outside my comfort zone and re-trained myself.  The benefits outweigh the costs, and I have the advantage of taking care of exercising early so that other obligations and social activities don't get in the way.

Maintaining a regular exercise schedule has improved my energy and strength during the past several months. It has also made me realize the value of looking and feeling good as a result of healthy activities.  Along with some other adjustments, it's gotten me closer to the balanced life I mentioned earlier.  I'm capable of change and it feels great!  Rather than listen to the naysayers, I decided to change my habits and my old way of thinking in order to make drinking an occasional pleasure rather than something I needed to give up forever.  At this point, I simply refuse to fall back into my old behavior.

Things I've learned about alcohol and alcoholism

Please understand that my experiences and opinions may not reflect those of a person who has chosen to quit drinking.  These ideas are intended to help guide others who want to change their drinking habits.  

By now, you've probably heard that alcoholism is a disease.  The problem that many people have with this concept, however, is that one's tendency to abuse alcohol is not a mental illness in the same way that depression is.  Depression is often treated with medication in order to offset the imbalance of certain neurotransmitters, but there is no "alcoholism pill."  In other words, addictions to substances such as alcohol are due to behavior.  Sure, some people may be likely to fall into the same drinking patterns as their parents and/or grandparents.  But no matter how you define it, alcoholism is only conceptually a disease.  

It's much easier and convenient to deal with life's problems and misfortunes by being able to blame them on something other than our own choices.  If you drink too much and your life starts going downhill as a result, it's comforting to think that it's because you have a disease.  But there are problems with accepting this "disease model" of alcoholism.  First of all, it isn't going to keep you out of jail if you get drunk, crash your car, and injure or kill someone.  The law (and common sense, in my opinion) rules that you made the decision to consume alcohol to a state of intoxication and then operate a motor vehicle.  Sure, one's inhibitions may be lowered when he or she climbs behind the wheel after drinking too much, but that person is still legally and morally liable for his or her actions.

I believe that whether one's goal is to learn to safely moderate drinking or to give it up completely, an honest choice needs to be made.  A variety of events may occur prior to that decision.  Sometimes fear is the catalyst; the drinker gets charged with driving under the influence or his significant other issues and ultimatum that things must change.  Fear can influence us, but it may not convince us that change is actually necessary.  Unfortunately, it often takes longer for that realization to occur.  We may need a bit more maturity along with some serious introspection (we take a good, hard look at ourselves and realize we need - and want - to change.)  This is understandably difficult because we have convinced ourselves that our habits aren't necessarily bad ones.  Remember the old "I'm not a drunk, I just like to have a good time" mentality?  Our youth can condition us to accept bad habits as normal and fun.  I went to college, and there was beer there.  Lots of it.  If you were too young to go to drink legally, the guys having keg parties didn't care.  Just give 'em three bucks and you were in!  You'd have a bottomless cup of beer for the entire evening.  Those are fun times for a lot of young adults, and old habits die hard.  

I like the idea of moderation when it comes to changing one's drinking habits, but I also want to warn anyone who entertains it as an alternative to abstinence.  This is essential if you truly desire to be successful!  Here it is: if you are not willing to change your approach to drinking, you are lying to yourself.  When I say "change your approach" I mean that you have to be willing to accept the idea that drinking can be enjoyable when you only have one or two drinks at a time.  The responsible approach is not just for show.  You can't drink like a gentleman in front of your wife and then go out and get rip-roaring drunk when you're with your buddies on the weekend.  You will probably just fall back into the same habits because you were just telling other people what they wanted to hear.  If you have not divorced yourself from the idea that pounding drink after drink is recreational and fun, you are not ready to learn moderation.  

It is flat-out irresponsible to let anyone believe that drinking responsibly is as easy as following the directions on a box of cake mix.  Discipline and commitment are needed, so if you have any doubts about your willingness to commit and change your habits, you aren't ready.  Stop drinking for a month or more and see how you feel.  Don't have a drink again until you can get used to living without it.  I like to think of it as "drying out your brain."  I learned a lot about how much of a habit drinking had become for me when I stopped doing it for a while.  I also learned to relax without it before reintroducing it into my life.  

How I Became a Responsible Drinker

I figured if I was going to start this blog, I should write a little bit about what brought me here. First of all, I am very grateful for the life I've lived so far. Some people who have "hit bottom," as they say, may scoff at my story because in a way, it sounds benign. I'm a suburban white guy who started drinking in college, enjoyed partying into his twenties, and never really had a "problem." When I drank in the past, I was hanging out with friends, having a good time. I finished college, started working, and got married at 30. My wife and I have two kids and consider ourselves to be pretty good parents. I've always stayed in decent shape, although my level of commitment to exercise has been sporadic at times.

But I'm not without my bad habits. I've always loved beer, and beer got even better when the whole microbrew/craft beer movement began. So many beers to choose from, and most of it is tasty - so very, very tasty. Then a guy gets a few years older and decides he's going to be distinguished. How about a whisky on the rocks? And ahhh, a debonair gin martini, served in one of those tall, fancy glasses. Shaken, not stirred! You get the picture? All those choices and a liquor store on every corner make it convenient and more than socially-acceptable to have a fine selection of beer, wine, and liquor in one's home.

So no, I never became the pitiful drunk with failing health and life in ruins. I was just a thirty-something guy who liked having a good time. Or so I told myself. After all, I was a responsible adult with a family and a mortgage. But I refused to admit that my love of leisurely drinking was something more and that my bad habits were becoming a threat to everything I held dear.

Several years ago, my wife sold our rowhouse and moved to a nice suburban neighborhood with green lawns and a community pool. Communities like ours are great for socializing, so we have enjoyed attending events at the pool and going to block parties. How convenient! Those events are within walking distance to our home, so I can drink as much as I want when I go to those, right? Well, that's what a single guy can get away with, I suppose. But at that point, I was a married guy with two young children. When we got home after those events and put the kids to bed, that was supposed to be our time to talk, share, and be intimate.

Needless to say, my wife started feeling neglected when I would lay down on the couch and fall asleep, time and time again, after too much of a "good time." She told me to take it down a notch on more than one occasion too, after one particular evening of drinking, I agreed to take some time off. Besides binging at parties, I was also knocking back my fair share of cocktails and beers at home most nights. So I didn't have a drop of beer, wine, or liquor for six months. What a good boy! Then the barbeque season started rolling around again, so it was back to business-as-usual. I actually reasoned that as long as I didn't crash out on the couch like I had been doing, everything would be just fine. I'm a fun guy, remember?

Well, an intoxicated husband is still not "present" by any means. Have you ever tried to have a meaningful conversation with a glassy-eyed drunk person who keeps slurring his words and losing his train of thought? As for romance, you can pretty much forget it. But hey, I was just having a good time. I was even in good shape. Well, sort of. That's a rather broad description.

To make a long story short, I did "wake up" about a year ago and entered another period of abstinence. I learned a lot about myself the second time around because I actually realized I was on the road to alcohol dependence. So I went to an AA meeting. The people were very nice and welcoming, but it wasn't for me. Then I discovered SMART (Self Management And Recovery Training) meetings. This was more my speed; rather than label myself an alcoholic and admit powerlessness over alcohol, I was able to focus on my behavior and learn some things about myself. The long-term goal with SMART, however, is abstinence. I know this sounds like something that would come from a person who just does not want to quit drinking, but I began to realize that my habits were a large part of my problem and that my choices were mine to make.

I was embarrassed to admit that I had not actually made an effort to drink responsibly after my previous dry period. Actually, the only real effort I made was to keep moving rather than lay down on that couch where I would nod off! If I was still up and awake, I could spend time with my better half, right? Yeah, right, and she was so grateful... or... no...

So there I was at a crossroads. I was really pushing my luck as well as my credibility at that point. "Moderation? Huh?! You already tried that." No, I didn't. Not really.

When you say you'll do something that involves changing your behavior with no real commitment and no clear plan with regard to how you'll go about doing it, you may as well not say you'll do it. I equate it with a politician who says he will do certain things or change things if he gets elected. Oh, yeah? What steps are you going to take? How will the current scenario change in order to make this possible? Well, uh... yeah...

The best argument I can muster for the selfish drinker who wishes to change his or her ways is this: if a person is actually capable of drinking in moderation, isn't it punishment to insist that they not attempt to do so? I won't even get into the great debate about whether or not alcoholism qualifies as a disease - better save that for another post. In a way, I see the whole alcohol relapse phenomenon as a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy for some people. If your family and/or spouse doesn't agree that you should try moderation, than you may try it secretly. Aha! Alcoholics hide their drinking! Relapse! Divorce court! Get out, you lyin' rummy!

I know, I know. "Jack, why is drinking so important? Can't you just be happy without it?" Sure I can. Life is pretty damn good without it, actually. But time will pass, as it always does. If I had just continued on my path of abstinence, I would have been angry that I never got to try drinking in moderation. But it was my decision. And this alcohol, this THING, is everywhere. It's not like I was giving up an illegal drug that isn't even socially acceptable. And I'm one of those people who actually enjoys the taste as well as the relaxing effects. I refused to make a long-term commitment out of fear of confrontation. What would Thomas Jefferson do? Well, he lived in different times. But we still have principles!

Fast forward nearly another year, and here I am. I've learned to enjoy a few drinks on the weekends and I feel good about it. I feel empowered. If it had been too difficult, I would have hung up my beer mug, but after I got used to drinking responsibly, it got easier and easier. Rather than act on impulse, I act on reason. And I continue to work on finding balance in my life.

Introduction - Alternatives to Abstinence

For years, problem drinkers have had few alternatives when looking for help. Some want to quit while some wish to change their habits in order to drink responsibly. The old design dictates that a problem drinker should admit that he or she has a problem and that he or she is is powerless over alcohol. Some people may truly feel that way while others say, "Wait a minute! I've been really irresponsible with my drinking but I... like drinking."

For those of us who do not identify as alcoholics, there is Moderation Management *, a non-profit organization that provides a network of support groups for drinkers who want to change. MM does not consider moderation the best alternative for everyone as some people find abstinence easier. Think of it this way: if you have a problem, would you rather be told what to do in order to fix it or be offered alternatives so that you can make up your own mind? Many people would rather be offered alternative from which to choose. Of course they would! It's empowering! Life is difficult enough; most people must struggle with numerous obligations and things that must be done because there simply is no choice in the matter (pay taxes, apply for and renew various licenses and permits... the list goes on and on).

When it comes to alcohol consumption, many people experience problems, but in the end, alcohol use is a very personal choice. Regardless of all the problems that arise out of its use, alcohol is a legal substance and it is firmly ingrained in our culture. While some people have difficulty limiting their usage, others find that they can learn to drink in moderation, sometimes even after falling into bad habits.

So here I am. I created this blog to share my ideas and help establish a local group of like-minded individuals. Rather than commit to abstinence, I have committed to moderation. I don't consider myself to be an exceptionally strong person when it comes to willpower, and I won't say anything as uplifting as "Anything is possible!" In fact, I tend to be a bit cynical and sarcastic at times. But... I still believe that with a little willpower and a firm commitment, most people are capable of changing their habits and finding more balance in their lives.

*Please feel free to contact me directly at baltimore@moderation.org