How I Became a Responsible Drinker

I figured if I was going to start this blog, I should write a little bit about what brought me here. First of all, I am very grateful for the life I've lived so far. Some people who have "hit bottom," as they say, may scoff at my story because in a way, it sounds benign. I'm a suburban white guy who started drinking in college, enjoyed partying into his twenties, and never really had a "problem." When I drank in the past, I was hanging out with friends, having a good time. I finished college, started working, and got married at 30. My wife and I have two kids and consider ourselves to be pretty good parents. I've always stayed in decent shape, although my level of commitment to exercise has been sporadic at times.

But I'm not without my bad habits. I've always loved beer, and beer got even better when the whole microbrew/craft beer movement began. So many beers to choose from, and most of it is tasty - so very, very tasty. Then a guy gets a few years older and decides he's going to be distinguished. How about a whisky on the rocks? And ahhh, a debonair gin martini, served in one of those tall, fancy glasses. Shaken, not stirred! You get the picture? All those choices and a liquor store on every corner make it convenient and more than socially-acceptable to have a fine selection of beer, wine, and liquor in one's home.

So no, I never became the pitiful drunk with failing health and life in ruins. I was just a thirty-something guy who liked having a good time. Or so I told myself. After all, I was a responsible adult with a family and a mortgage. But I refused to admit that my love of leisurely drinking was something more and that my bad habits were becoming a threat to everything I held dear.

Several years ago, my wife sold our rowhouse and moved to a nice suburban neighborhood with green lawns and a community pool. Communities like ours are great for socializing, so we have enjoyed attending events at the pool and going to block parties. How convenient! Those events are within walking distance to our home, so I can drink as much as I want when I go to those, right? Well, that's what a single guy can get away with, I suppose. But at that point, I was a married guy with two young children. When we got home after those events and put the kids to bed, that was supposed to be our time to talk, share, and be intimate.

Needless to say, my wife started feeling neglected when I would lay down on the couch and fall asleep, time and time again, after too much of a "good time." She told me to take it down a notch on more than one occasion too, after one particular evening of drinking, I agreed to take some time off. Besides binging at parties, I was also knocking back my fair share of cocktails and beers at home most nights. So I didn't have a drop of beer, wine, or liquor for six months. What a good boy! Then the barbeque season started rolling around again, so it was back to business-as-usual. I actually reasoned that as long as I didn't crash out on the couch like I had been doing, everything would be just fine. I'm a fun guy, remember?

Well, an intoxicated husband is still not "present" by any means. Have you ever tried to have a meaningful conversation with a glassy-eyed drunk person who keeps slurring his words and losing his train of thought? As for romance, you can pretty much forget it. But hey, I was just having a good time. I was even in good shape. Well, sort of. That's a rather broad description.

To make a long story short, I did "wake up" about a year ago and entered another period of abstinence. I learned a lot about myself the second time around because I actually realized I was on the road to alcohol dependence. So I went to an AA meeting. The people were very nice and welcoming, but it wasn't for me. Then I discovered SMART (Self Management And Recovery Training) meetings. This was more my speed; rather than label myself an alcoholic and admit powerlessness over alcohol, I was able to focus on my behavior and learn some things about myself. The long-term goal with SMART, however, is abstinence. I know this sounds like something that would come from a person who just does not want to quit drinking, but I began to realize that my habits were a large part of my problem and that my choices were mine to make.

I was embarrassed to admit that I had not actually made an effort to drink responsibly after my previous dry period. Actually, the only real effort I made was to keep moving rather than lay down on that couch where I would nod off! If I was still up and awake, I could spend time with my better half, right? Yeah, right, and she was so grateful... or... no...

So there I was at a crossroads. I was really pushing my luck as well as my credibility at that point. "Moderation? Huh?! You already tried that." No, I didn't. Not really.

When you say you'll do something that involves changing your behavior with no real commitment and no clear plan with regard to how you'll go about doing it, you may as well not say you'll do it. I equate it with a politician who says he will do certain things or change things if he gets elected. Oh, yeah? What steps are you going to take? How will the current scenario change in order to make this possible? Well, uh... yeah...

The best argument I can muster for the selfish drinker who wishes to change his or her ways is this: if a person is actually capable of drinking in moderation, isn't it punishment to insist that they not attempt to do so? I won't even get into the great debate about whether or not alcoholism qualifies as a disease - better save that for another post. In a way, I see the whole alcohol relapse phenomenon as a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy for some people. If your family and/or spouse doesn't agree that you should try moderation, than you may try it secretly. Aha! Alcoholics hide their drinking! Relapse! Divorce court! Get out, you lyin' rummy!

I know, I know. "Jack, why is drinking so important? Can't you just be happy without it?" Sure I can. Life is pretty damn good without it, actually. But time will pass, as it always does. If I had just continued on my path of abstinence, I would have been angry that I never got to try drinking in moderation. But it was my decision. And this alcohol, this THING, is everywhere. It's not like I was giving up an illegal drug that isn't even socially acceptable. And I'm one of those people who actually enjoys the taste as well as the relaxing effects. I refused to make a long-term commitment out of fear of confrontation. What would Thomas Jefferson do? Well, he lived in different times. But we still have principles!

Fast forward nearly another year, and here I am. I've learned to enjoy a few drinks on the weekends and I feel good about it. I feel empowered. If it had been too difficult, I would have hung up my beer mug, but after I got used to drinking responsibly, it got easier and easier. Rather than act on impulse, I act on reason. And I continue to work on finding balance in my life.