Things I've learned about alcohol and alcoholism

Please understand that my experiences and opinions may not reflect those of a person who has chosen to quit drinking.  These ideas are intended to help guide others who want to change their drinking habits.  

By now, you've probably heard that alcoholism is a disease.  The problem that many people have with this concept, however, is that one's tendency to abuse alcohol is not a mental illness in the same way that depression is.  Depression is often treated with medication in order to offset the imbalance of certain neurotransmitters, but there is no "alcoholism pill."  In other words, addictions to substances such as alcohol are due to behavior.  Sure, some people may be likely to fall into the same drinking patterns as their parents and/or grandparents.  But no matter how you define it, alcoholism is only conceptually a disease.  

It's much easier and convenient to deal with life's problems and misfortunes by being able to blame them on something other than our own choices.  If you drink too much and your life starts going downhill as a result, it's comforting to think that it's because you have a disease.  But there are problems with accepting this "disease model" of alcoholism.  First of all, it isn't going to keep you out of jail if you get drunk, crash your car, and injure or kill someone.  The law (and common sense, in my opinion) rules that you made the decision to consume alcohol to a state of intoxication and then operate a motor vehicle.  Sure, one's inhibitions may be lowered when he or she climbs behind the wheel after drinking too much, but that person is still legally and morally liable for his or her actions.

I believe that whether one's goal is to learn to safely moderate drinking or to give it up completely, an honest choice needs to be made.  A variety of events may occur prior to that decision.  Sometimes fear is the catalyst; the drinker gets charged with driving under the influence or his significant other issues and ultimatum that things must change.  Fear can influence us, but it may not convince us that change is actually necessary.  Unfortunately, it often takes longer for that realization to occur.  We may need a bit more maturity along with some serious introspection (we take a good, hard look at ourselves and realize we need - and want - to change.)  This is understandably difficult because we have convinced ourselves that our habits aren't necessarily bad ones.  Remember the old "I'm not a drunk, I just like to have a good time" mentality?  Our youth can condition us to accept bad habits as normal and fun.  I went to college, and there was beer there.  Lots of it.  If you were too young to go to drink legally, the guys having keg parties didn't care.  Just give 'em three bucks and you were in!  You'd have a bottomless cup of beer for the entire evening.  Those are fun times for a lot of young adults, and old habits die hard.  

I like the idea of moderation when it comes to changing one's drinking habits, but I also want to warn anyone who entertains it as an alternative to abstinence.  This is essential if you truly desire to be successful!  Here it is: if you are not willing to change your approach to drinking, you are lying to yourself.  When I say "change your approach" I mean that you have to be willing to accept the idea that drinking can be enjoyable when you only have one or two drinks at a time.  The responsible approach is not just for show.  You can't drink like a gentleman in front of your wife and then go out and get rip-roaring drunk when you're with your buddies on the weekend.  You will probably just fall back into the same habits because you were just telling other people what they wanted to hear.  If you have not divorced yourself from the idea that pounding drink after drink is recreational and fun, you are not ready to learn moderation.  

It is flat-out irresponsible to let anyone believe that drinking responsibly is as easy as following the directions on a box of cake mix.  Discipline and commitment are needed, so if you have any doubts about your willingness to commit and change your habits, you aren't ready.  Stop drinking for a month or more and see how you feel.  Don't have a drink again until you can get used to living without it.  I like to think of it as "drying out your brain."  I learned a lot about how much of a habit drinking had become for me when I stopped doing it for a while.  I also learned to relax without it before reintroducing it into my life.  

How I Became a Responsible Drinker

I figured if I was going to start this blog, I should write a little bit about what brought me here. First of all, I am very grateful for the life I've lived so far. Some people who have "hit bottom," as they say, may scoff at my story because in a way, it sounds benign. I'm a suburban white guy who started drinking in college, enjoyed partying into his twenties, and never really had a "problem." When I drank in the past, I was hanging out with friends, having a good time. I finished college, started working, and got married at 30. My wife and I have two kids and consider ourselves to be pretty good parents. I've always stayed in decent shape, although my level of commitment to exercise has been sporadic at times.

But I'm not without my bad habits. I've always loved beer, and beer got even better when the whole microbrew/craft beer movement began. So many beers to choose from, and most of it is tasty - so very, very tasty. Then a guy gets a few years older and decides he's going to be distinguished. How about a whisky on the rocks? And ahhh, a debonair gin martini, served in one of those tall, fancy glasses. Shaken, not stirred! You get the picture? All those choices and a liquor store on every corner make it convenient and more than socially-acceptable to have a fine selection of beer, wine, and liquor in one's home.

So no, I never became the pitiful drunk with failing health and life in ruins. I was just a thirty-something guy who liked having a good time. Or so I told myself. After all, I was a responsible adult with a family and a mortgage. But I refused to admit that my love of leisurely drinking was something more and that my bad habits were becoming a threat to everything I held dear.

Several years ago, my wife sold our rowhouse and moved to a nice suburban neighborhood with green lawns and a community pool. Communities like ours are great for socializing, so we have enjoyed attending events at the pool and going to block parties. How convenient! Those events are within walking distance to our home, so I can drink as much as I want when I go to those, right? Well, that's what a single guy can get away with, I suppose. But at that point, I was a married guy with two young children. When we got home after those events and put the kids to bed, that was supposed to be our time to talk, share, and be intimate.

Needless to say, my wife started feeling neglected when I would lay down on the couch and fall asleep, time and time again, after too much of a "good time." She told me to take it down a notch on more than one occasion too, after one particular evening of drinking, I agreed to take some time off. Besides binging at parties, I was also knocking back my fair share of cocktails and beers at home most nights. So I didn't have a drop of beer, wine, or liquor for six months. What a good boy! Then the barbeque season started rolling around again, so it was back to business-as-usual. I actually reasoned that as long as I didn't crash out on the couch like I had been doing, everything would be just fine. I'm a fun guy, remember?

Well, an intoxicated husband is still not "present" by any means. Have you ever tried to have a meaningful conversation with a glassy-eyed drunk person who keeps slurring his words and losing his train of thought? As for romance, you can pretty much forget it. But hey, I was just having a good time. I was even in good shape. Well, sort of. That's a rather broad description.

To make a long story short, I did "wake up" about a year ago and entered another period of abstinence. I learned a lot about myself the second time around because I actually realized I was on the road to alcohol dependence. So I went to an AA meeting. The people were very nice and welcoming, but it wasn't for me. Then I discovered SMART (Self Management And Recovery Training) meetings. This was more my speed; rather than label myself an alcoholic and admit powerlessness over alcohol, I was able to focus on my behavior and learn some things about myself. The long-term goal with SMART, however, is abstinence. I know this sounds like something that would come from a person who just does not want to quit drinking, but I began to realize that my habits were a large part of my problem and that my choices were mine to make.

I was embarrassed to admit that I had not actually made an effort to drink responsibly after my previous dry period. Actually, the only real effort I made was to keep moving rather than lay down on that couch where I would nod off! If I was still up and awake, I could spend time with my better half, right? Yeah, right, and she was so grateful... or... no...

So there I was at a crossroads. I was really pushing my luck as well as my credibility at that point. "Moderation? Huh?! You already tried that." No, I didn't. Not really.

When you say you'll do something that involves changing your behavior with no real commitment and no clear plan with regard to how you'll go about doing it, you may as well not say you'll do it. I equate it with a politician who says he will do certain things or change things if he gets elected. Oh, yeah? What steps are you going to take? How will the current scenario change in order to make this possible? Well, uh... yeah...

The best argument I can muster for the selfish drinker who wishes to change his or her ways is this: if a person is actually capable of drinking in moderation, isn't it punishment to insist that they not attempt to do so? I won't even get into the great debate about whether or not alcoholism qualifies as a disease - better save that for another post. In a way, I see the whole alcohol relapse phenomenon as a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy for some people. If your family and/or spouse doesn't agree that you should try moderation, than you may try it secretly. Aha! Alcoholics hide their drinking! Relapse! Divorce court! Get out, you lyin' rummy!

I know, I know. "Jack, why is drinking so important? Can't you just be happy without it?" Sure I can. Life is pretty damn good without it, actually. But time will pass, as it always does. If I had just continued on my path of abstinence, I would have been angry that I never got to try drinking in moderation. But it was my decision. And this alcohol, this THING, is everywhere. It's not like I was giving up an illegal drug that isn't even socially acceptable. And I'm one of those people who actually enjoys the taste as well as the relaxing effects. I refused to make a long-term commitment out of fear of confrontation. What would Thomas Jefferson do? Well, he lived in different times. But we still have principles!

Fast forward nearly another year, and here I am. I've learned to enjoy a few drinks on the weekends and I feel good about it. I feel empowered. If it had been too difficult, I would have hung up my beer mug, but after I got used to drinking responsibly, it got easier and easier. Rather than act on impulse, I act on reason. And I continue to work on finding balance in my life.

Introduction - Alternatives to Abstinence

For years, problem drinkers have had few alternatives when looking for help. Some want to quit while some wish to change their habits in order to drink responsibly. The old design dictates that a problem drinker should admit that he or she has a problem and that he or she is is powerless over alcohol. Some people may truly feel that way while others say, "Wait a minute! I've been really irresponsible with my drinking but I... like drinking."

For those of us who do not identify as alcoholics, there is Moderation Management *, a non-profit organization that provides a network of support groups for drinkers who want to change. MM does not consider moderation the best alternative for everyone as some people find abstinence easier. Think of it this way: if you have a problem, would you rather be told what to do in order to fix it or be offered alternatives so that you can make up your own mind? Many people would rather be offered alternative from which to choose. Of course they would! It's empowering! Life is difficult enough; most people must struggle with numerous obligations and things that must be done because there simply is no choice in the matter (pay taxes, apply for and renew various licenses and permits... the list goes on and on).

When it comes to alcohol consumption, many people experience problems, but in the end, alcohol use is a very personal choice. Regardless of all the problems that arise out of its use, alcohol is a legal substance and it is firmly ingrained in our culture. While some people have difficulty limiting their usage, others find that they can learn to drink in moderation, sometimes even after falling into bad habits.

So here I am. I created this blog to share my ideas and help establish a local group of like-minded individuals. Rather than commit to abstinence, I have committed to moderation. I don't consider myself to be an exceptionally strong person when it comes to willpower, and I won't say anything as uplifting as "Anything is possible!" In fact, I tend to be a bit cynical and sarcastic at times. But... I still believe that with a little willpower and a firm commitment, most people are capable of changing their habits and finding more balance in their lives.

*Please feel free to contact me directly at baltimore@moderation.org